In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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