did you get engaged???
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
