I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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