All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
