I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
