I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
