this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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