It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
