woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
