Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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