Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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