ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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