K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
