Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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