Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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