her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize