saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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