I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize