i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
