I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
