I could make wine with my vomit
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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