Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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