I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
