I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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