went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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