he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
