I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
