everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
