someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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