I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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