it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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