I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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