We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
