Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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