I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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