Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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