Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I think I am morally bankrupt
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He's a Shit stain on my heart
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
