Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
