I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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