Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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