You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
