Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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