You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
