My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
