At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
