note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
