i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
