If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
