I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
