she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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