I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
