I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
