I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
