Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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