If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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