One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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