I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Randomize
