He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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