Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
