I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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